One of my favorite all time movies is Breakfast at Tiffany's staring Audry Hepburn. I don't know why exactly, I do love Audrey Hepburn in general but there is something about this movie that speaks to me. Maybe I relate to "Holly Golightly", not in the sleeping around with men, using them for their money and marrying someone because he's rich sort of way. More in the, seems to lack focus and has the "Mean Reds" kind of way. There's a scene in the movie where she is talking to Fred (who's real name is paul) that goes as follows ...
Holly: Listen ... you know those days when you get the mean reds?
Fred (Paul): you mean like the blues?
Holly: No ... the blues are because you're getting fat or because it's been raining to long. You're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Fred (Paul): Sure
Holly: When I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump into a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away.
Well, that's how I feel today. Only I'm not scared, just off somehow, not exactly sad, but a little bit, not exactly lonely but a little bit, feel like I should be doing stuff that's productive but don't have the drive too. You know that feeling? And when I get that way the only thing that does any good is to get out of the house, go sit in Starbucks for awhile and read a book or go shopping. Only problem is I can't.
I am stuck, at home, in the middle of nowhere Alberta, surrounded by Husbands wacky family (who are currently part of the problem). I could take the purple van into town but it's a waste of gas and with gas currently being an exorbitant amount we can't afford to be wasting it (Damien's already in town and the grandparents have to go in for the meeting later so there's two vehicles already). Plus Damien's going to school in January & February = no work, no money, we have a mountain of taxes etc. to pay off, and our anniversary is coming up so we don't really have the money to spend on my shopping just because I want to. Not unless I use my credit card and I am already having heart palpitations over how much we've had to use it lately.
I know, I know ... I'm thinking the same thing ... this is important say "in comparison to whether they should cancel third world debt"? (Twenty points if you can name that movie)It's not, it's not even that bad, people are starving, homeless and sick/dying (like D's grandpa & my sister). And intellectually I know that, but I just can't shake myself out of it.
It's so frustrating living in a world where every time you turn around it's telling you you are not good enough, and you don't have enough and look at these happy people who's lives are together, and houses are clean, and have money for nice vacations, eating out, buying new clothes & jewlery when they need it or even they don't - even harder when your friends get to do those things. And again, I know, I know that it's not the material things that are important/make you happy, and it's wrong to be jealous of other people and covet their stuff... intellectually I know. But my heart wants a nice painted house, and wants new furniture from ikea, and wants a pretty apple laptop and wants nice boots for fall and wants etc. etc.
So how do you reconcile your heart and your brain. And how do I get over this pity party for myself that I am currently hosting? I know this has absolutely nothing to do with Donna Reed, plus she would have told herself to get over it and started cleaning her house, but it's how I feel today and this is my blog. Deal with it. :-P
Holly: Listen ... you know those days when you get the mean reds?
Fred (Paul): you mean like the blues?
Holly: No ... the blues are because you're getting fat or because it's been raining to long. You're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Fred (Paul): Sure
Holly: When I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump into a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away.
Well, that's how I feel today. Only I'm not scared, just off somehow, not exactly sad, but a little bit, not exactly lonely but a little bit, feel like I should be doing stuff that's productive but don't have the drive too. You know that feeling? And when I get that way the only thing that does any good is to get out of the house, go sit in Starbucks for awhile and read a book or go shopping. Only problem is I can't.
I am stuck, at home, in the middle of nowhere Alberta, surrounded by Husbands wacky family (who are currently part of the problem). I could take the purple van into town but it's a waste of gas and with gas currently being an exorbitant amount we can't afford to be wasting it (Damien's already in town and the grandparents have to go in for the meeting later so there's two vehicles already). Plus Damien's going to school in January & February = no work, no money, we have a mountain of taxes etc. to pay off, and our anniversary is coming up so we don't really have the money to spend on my shopping just because I want to. Not unless I use my credit card and I am already having heart palpitations over how much we've had to use it lately.
I know, I know ... I'm thinking the same thing ... this is important say "in comparison to whether they should cancel third world debt"? (Twenty points if you can name that movie)It's not, it's not even that bad, people are starving, homeless and sick/dying (like D's grandpa & my sister). And intellectually I know that, but I just can't shake myself out of it.
It's so frustrating living in a world where every time you turn around it's telling you you are not good enough, and you don't have enough and look at these happy people who's lives are together, and houses are clean, and have money for nice vacations, eating out, buying new clothes & jewlery when they need it or even they don't - even harder when your friends get to do those things. And again, I know, I know that it's not the material things that are important/make you happy, and it's wrong to be jealous of other people and covet their stuff... intellectually I know. But my heart wants a nice painted house, and wants new furniture from ikea, and wants a pretty apple laptop and wants nice boots for fall and wants etc. etc.
So how do you reconcile your heart and your brain. And how do I get over this pity party for myself that I am currently hosting? I know this has absolutely nothing to do with Donna Reed, plus she would have told herself to get over it and started cleaning her house, but it's how I feel today and this is my blog. Deal with it. :-P
I know about the mean reds...all you can do is wait it out...wish I had better advice to give you. Tomorrow will be better...
ReplyDeleteThe mean reds seem to overwhelm me some/most days.
ReplyDeleteI have no real answer.
Its like you wrote exactly what I think.
The wants never end even after we get what we want. Sometimes its worth the cost of fuel to keep your sanity. You'll just have to subsist on KD and canned meat to make up for it. (just kidding about the canned meat! LOL)
Can I do anything?